I’m a nurse, and the worst patient

I am a nurse. I am very proud of that, I mean, I have a whole blog dedicated to being a nurse!

However, I am the worst patient.

Lately I have had to be a patient far more than I want to be. (Here is a link to my blog post on why I have had to be a patient frequently.)

I don’t know how to stop being a nurse and sit back and be the patient. I don’t know how to shut up and listen. I want to talk. I want to tell the doctor what I know. I want to be in charge of my care. I want to be the nurse.

I don’t like not running the show when it comes to my own care. However, this situation is aggravated by the fact that I don’t even know what is going on with my health. I feel completely helpless… and humble. I now understand the fear my patients have when they are coming to get scanned. As you all know, I work in radiology and a majority of the patients I work up are there to get scans to either see if they have cancer or to see if their cancer has spread. They are coming in dealing with the unknown. The fear, the anger, the tears, the blank stares, I understand why my patients exhibit so many emotions. It’s the unknown. I am going through it now and I am pretty sure I have gone through a lot of those emotions. I am blessed to not have cancer but having to go from seeing a family doctor, to a pain specialist, and now to neurologist, all because I have spreading neuropathy is scary. I don’t know what is wrong with me and as a nurse that drives me nuts.

I am a nurse, I help people get as healthy as they can. My job is to literally fix people and yet here I sit unable to fix myself because I don’t even know what’s wrong. I feel so helpless. I want someone to say “This is what is wrong and this is how we fix it”. I want to fix myself like I fix everyone else. I want to nurse myself back to health.

I don’t even know where to begin so friends I ask: do you have any suggestions for not going crazy as I work through this?

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6 thoughts on “I’m a nurse, and the worst patient

  1. In my experience therapy has helped a lot. I have chronic kidney disease, IGa Nephropathy & Chronic Interstitial Nephritis, along with some high bp & general anxiety disorder. I’m only 31 & facing a very uncertain future with possible dialysis and transplant. My therapist truly keeps me sane!

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  2. Fred, good thinking to see a therapist! You need some calming exercises to deal with the anxiety. & control issues. It sounds as if there’s still no set diagnosis at the root of your medical problem. Perhaps once you work on the anxiety, and fighting (in your mind) to be in control, the medication will work. Keep us updated on how you are doing! 📚 Christine

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  3. I have no advice, but I do hope you find a good therapist to help you through this… I’m really sad to hear you have these struggles. As if having health issues isn’t enough, the anxiety that goes with it is no picnic.

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  4. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel!! It must be so hard right now. Have your tried meditation or anything? I know meditation really helped me during rough times. It’s not for everyone though I understand that.
    There’s distraction like music etc and maybe therapy for it? Because sometimes these things really do have a huge impact on our mental wellbeing. This must be so hard for you because all I ever hear when I read your blogs is how strong and independent you are! But you’re an amazing nurse and I know you’ll come out the other side strong and ready to rumble again. 😘

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