One down

So, term one is done.

One down, three terms to go to finally get my master’s.

I’m proud of myself. When I started school I really thought I might have been making a mistake. I didn’t think I was ready. I thought I was in over my head. My first paper got sent back and recommended for the writing center because it was so bad.

I had forgotten everything about APA formatting! I felt like an idiot. I took the recommendation and used the writing center for help. My papers are much better now. I feel more like a student, like I kind of know what I’m doing.

I still second guess myself. That’s just me. However, I feel more at ease. It’s tough, papers suck, I’m tired all the time, but I see that I can do it.

I know that it will get harder from here. More 14 page papers, projects to do, and soon, clinicals. I’m going to gripe, moan, groan, curse, and complain. I’m also going to get sh*t done.

I can do this. I’m ready…

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Arch nemesis

Classes have started for me. In fact, I’ve already completed one class. I’m liking the program so far but my fight with my old arch nemesis has reignited:

APA formatting 😒😐

I despise APA. I don’t even understand its point. Margins of this size, very particular page headers, citations that are done *just* so, reference pages with indentions done differently than the actual paper, references sited differently depending on what they are…

Why can’t I just write this damn paper and send it in?!

I get that APA formatting is to help maintain consistancy with how research is published and readability. What I don’t understand is why make it so damn complicated? It almost feels like the creators made it complicated because it made them feel smart.

I hate it.

APA has always been a thorn in my side. I’ve never been very good at it. I find the rules convoluted.

As you can see, I’m already over it…

Stress

I am about to start school. Another one of my coworkers is about to start clinicals for her NP. Another coworker is about to start her NP program. Needless to say, we are all stressed. At least I’m not alone, right?

I decided, however, I’m not going to let myself break under the stress of school and work. I am going to make sure I have some kind of kind outlet.

The first time I went to nursing school my friends and I would go out as a way to celebrate completing a semester. We would dance and let loose. It helped, it gave us a little something to look forward to. When I went back for my BSN my brother would notice I was stressed and drag me to Starbucks or Barnes and Noble (two of my favorite places) to have a moment of of the house. He would also make me do my studying there where there were no distractions (like the TV 😐) to steal my attention. It worked.

So now I’m trying to figure out what my de-stress plan will be for this go round. I know I’ll be doing the “out of house” studying. I think it may be time to bring back the end of semester party night as well! I just know I can’t let myself break under pressure. I’ve got to figure out what my self care will be for this experience…

April 1st

It’s coming.

April 1st.

No, I am not worried about April Fools Day.

I start graduate school. I make that first step towards my Master’s degree. I take that big leap back into school.

I. Am. Terrified. I don’t know why. I feel like I’m not ready. I feel like I have gotten myself in over my head. I feel like I am not good enough for this. I know this is my anxiety talking. This isn’t my first time dealing with the panic and self doubt that comes with anxiety. Anxiety stopped me from going back to school before now. Anxiety almost stopped me from taking the job I have now. Anxiety has awoken me from my sleep with my heart racing for absolutely no reason. True anxiety is no joke. It’s not easy for me to admit that I deal with depression and anxiety. I am the nurse that has it all together. I am the nurse that other nurses vent to. I am the nurse running a blog giving advise to other nurses. I am the nurse that has mental health issues.

I am not going to let anxiety win though. Yeah, I am scared sh*tless, I won’t lie. I feel like I might have made a mistake. However, I am still going to log into my student portal on April 1st and begin looking over my first assignment. I am the nurse that is going to have her Master’s in two years because I am the nurse that refuses to give up.

Step one

So…

I’ve done step one. I’ve applied to a nurse practitioner program.

I’m terrified!

Am I smart enough?

Can I handle this?

Can I afford this?

Is it worth it?

Will I be able to find clinical sites?

Is this the right decision?

This is a really big committment. A lot of my time and finances will be going into this and I wonder if I’m ready for it. I have been bouncing back and forth between career paths and decided that I can do what I would like to do with an advanced practice degree.

Patient education is my passion and I know that as an NP I will get the opportunity to try and make a difference. By working in the “clinic” setting I will be able to try and prevent admission to the hospital by providing care and education on their health. I want to stop patients from being observers in their health care. I want patients to be a participant in their care plans. An educated patient does better. I love when patients comes into my current job and tell me all about why they are getting their scan. It let’s me know they are involved in their health. Those patients area typically in better health than my patients that have no idea what’s going on.

I know I’m doing this for the right reasons. I just don’t know if this is the right time. Then again, when is the right time? I can always find a reason to not do something. Life is always throwing me curve balls. I might as well step up to the plate, swing with all my might, and hope to God I knock it out of the park!

Motivated?

I’m strangely motivated to do a lot of nursing related things that I had no desire to do before. All of a sudden I want to go back to school to get my Master’s. I want to join our shared governance committee. I want to advance on the clinical ladder up to a Clin III. I want to cross train in other parts of our department.

What the hell is happening?

Where did I get all of this motivation from?!

Is… Is this what happens when you’re happy at your job?

I mean, honestly, these are all things I know I can do if I put forth the energy to do it. I’m still (relatively) young, unmarried, no children… I have the time so why not?

I need to sit down and prioritize all of these new goals. Time for me to become Super Nurse!

Wish me luck!