I’m a nurse, and the worst patient

I am a nurse. I am very proud of that, I mean, I have a whole blog dedicated to being a nurse!

However, I am the worst patient.

Lately I have had to be a patient far more than I want to be. (Here is a link to my blog post on why I have had to be a patient frequently.)

I don’t know how to stop being a nurse and sit back and be the patient. I don’t know how to shut up and listen. I want to talk. I want to tell the doctor what I know. I want to be in charge of my care. I want to be the nurse.

I don’t like not running the show when it comes to my own care. However, this situation is aggravated by the fact that I don’t even know what is going on with my health. I feel completely helpless… and humble. I now understand the fear my patients have when they are coming to get scanned. As you all know, I work in radiology and a majority of the patients I work up are there to get scans to either see if they have cancer or to see if their cancer has spread. They are coming in dealing with the unknown. The fear, the anger, the tears, the blank stares, I understand why my patients exhibit so many emotions. It’s the unknown. I am going through it now and I am pretty sure I have gone through a lot of those emotions. I am blessed to not have cancer but having to go from seeing a family doctor, to a pain specialist, and now to neurologist, all because I have spreading neuropathy is scary. I don’t know what is wrong with me and as a nurse that drives me nuts.

I am a nurse, I help people get as healthy as they can. My job is to literally fix people and yet here I sit unable to fix myself because I don’t even know what’s wrong. I feel so helpless. I want someone to say “This is what is wrong and this is how we fix it”. I want to fix myself like I fix everyone else. I want to nurse myself back to health.

I don’t even know where to begin so friends I ask: do you have any suggestions for not going crazy as I work through this?

Story time no. 7

Had my follow up appointment for my back today. The MRI shows I definitely herniated a disc between the lumbar/sacral region. No nerve involvement so no surgery. Yet. However, if the disc continues to degrade then surgery is where we are headed.

So now this puts me in a weird mental space. Do I continue being a bedside nurse, knowing that I’m going to potentially hurt my back more, or is it time for that cushy office job where I’m not pulling patients? I love direct patient care. I love being at the bedside. My back, however, is not in agreement. I’m a trauma nurse, I’m going to be pulling and tugging. It’s inevitable. My coworkers have been AMAZING at trying to help me out when they see my back is causing me pain. They opt to take the “pulling side” when we turn so I don’t have to strain myself. They put me at the head of the bed holding c-spine so I’m not having to do a whole lot. They have really “had my back” so to speak.

But it’s not fair to them. They shouldn’t have to potentially hurt themselves so I don’t hurt my self any further. I’m starting to feel like a burden. I don’t like that.

So now it’s time to make some big decisions…